turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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