clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize