he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
