Can i not drive my cunt home
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
