I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
