I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
