I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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