quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Ketchup is God's man juice
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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