You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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