I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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