Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
