you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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