just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
