My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
