the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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