Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
