i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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