I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
