Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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