If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
