she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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