she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
