flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She told me I should be a condom model.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Who died my cat blue again?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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