I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
