So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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