at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
