it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
