know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
