The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
