my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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