I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
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