I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
i out mim tonsoeep
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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