this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Someone came in the potted fern
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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