So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
