ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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