just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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