god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Randomize