I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
