Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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