I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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