If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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