I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
