I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
