I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize