Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
