I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
