WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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