i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Randomize
