just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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