He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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