the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
