Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
