Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
