It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
