Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
