I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
