Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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