i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
