I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
