capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
