Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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