Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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