went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
