Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
